Shortly before I got married, I remember riding in an Uber and the driver was sharing his wisdom about women and marriage. He said many things to me. One of the things that made an impression on me was about women and apologizing. In a somewhat of an irritated voice, he said that I shouldn’t expect my wife-to-be to apologize. Maybe she will; maybe she won’t. But I shouldn’t count on it. Women will show regret in various ways, but verbal apologies are not their modus operandi. So I should just suck it up now and forget about it as it is a foregone conclusion.
I remember the ride was comical but what he said did mean something to me. His words rang true not necessarily in the realm of marriage but as an overarching approach to relationships. All relationships of love bring pain. When we choose to give ourselves to a relationship, we accept the person’s imperfections, and with it, all the hurt that it brings.
I am reminded of that night because of last week’s Torah portion. The Torah chronicles the sibling rivalry of Yosef and his brothers, the kidnapping of Yosef by the brothers, and his eventual sale to slavery. After over 20 years of separation and enmity, in sweeping prose, the Torah recounts the reconciliation of Yosef and his brothers. It is a tender moment that is suffused with emotion.
One thing that is conspicuously absent throughout the entire narrative is any apology given by the brothers. The Torah almost seems to render the concept of apology irrelevant; an unnecessary act in the journey to reconciliation. What the narrative does convey though is the regret the brothers felt.
Yosef didn’t need a verbal apology, any grand gestures, or any acts of contrite – he simply wanted to see that his brothers were remorseful for their actions. And that was more than enough for him to forgive, open his heart, and draw his brothers in a close embrace.
It seems to me the Torah is conveying that apologies might be nice but are not needed to repair a broken relationship. What matters is not what is said but what is in the heart of the person who wronged you. A broken heart is better than a thousand apologies. And any expression of contrite can bring healing in a fractured relationship. Repair and reconciliation can be through the most minimal acts, such as a gentle compliment, asking you a pointless question, sitting close by you, or even a silly act of sticking their tongue out. But it’s up to us to accept the other person’s desire to repair the relationship.
I wish I can go back to that night and let my Uber driver know that his experience is religious, his words are wise and I am grateful to him for sharing it with me.
2021