Relationships are beautiful connections we establish, internalize, and ultimately become; they are, par excellence, the most expansive and life-enhancing endeavor a human being can ever undertake. I am not trying to be dramatic or romantic, but it is what it is. The human connection is the most majestical, magical, sublime experience. It bonds, creates, forms, brings two people, disparate halves of humanity, and unites them in affection and intense emotion. And with all the negative press relationships have been getting, including the high divorce rate, and the depiction of commitment as shackles that eternally bind man till death does him part, it still captures the imagination of cultures and communities, of societies and humanity.
I am at that age where all the girls around me cannot stop talking about marriage; where some of my friends are beginning to get engaged; where my mom is haggling me that she wants to be a grandmother; and most importantly, despite being surrounded by people, and never being alone, I’m starting to feel lonely. I decided to commence taking classes at my Yeshivah about marriage, what it entails, men-women personality differences, areas of difference, effective communication, sweet-talking, charming (jk) etc.
One of the things I have learnt is what my weaknesses are as a man, in dating a girl for marriage and in marriage itself. In short, for the first time, I really understood how difficult men are, how shallow we can be, and how hurtful we can become to our significant others. One thing that particularly stood out in my mind was the differential between men-women perspectives when dating.
When a woman dates a man, she asks herself the question: “Is this the right guy for me?” When a man dates a woman, he asks himself the question: “Is this girl worth giving up all other girls?” Both men and women are trying to figure out the same question – can I spend the rest of my life with the person sitting in front of me? – but each are approaching it from radically different angles. In effect, a woman looks at the man for who he is as a person; a man looks at a woman by how she compares with others; a woman is captured by a man for his potential; a man is infatuated with a women for her physical; a woman ponders whether she can make him her choice; a man contemplates whether he can give up all other choices.
This is not to say women don’t have their own faults. They do, and I can attest to that : ) But the difference is that a women’s problems to a man are annoying, but a man’s faults to a women are painful. That is, what men dismiss is what women internalize.
Just thinking about it, learning about it, this marriage thing is not as easy as the movies make it seem. But then again, what in life is so meaningful and not difficult?
2012